Years ago, when I was working on my second shyness book with Bernardo Carducci, I used to organize shyness discussion groups. That usually provoked a laugh from non-shy people, since they imagined a bunch of sullen, withdrawn people sitting in silence, waiting for the hour to be over.

The discussion groups were the exact opposite.

In fact, I had a hard time getting people to stop talking and go home!

The participants were so relieved to be able to talk freely about experiences they usually kept to themselves and tried their damnedest to conceal. It was amazing to admit to feeling vulnerable in some social situations and have someone else say “I know EXACTLY how you feel!”

But that wasn’t the only misconception that the shy group participants blew through.

I thought that most of them would want to learn concrete steps on how to not be shy.

To the contrary: Most wanted to talk about why they became shy, whether it was an inherited trait passed down from one or more parents, or happened because of their life experiences, their environment. You know, the old nature-nurture debate.

But I think there’s more to it than that. I’m learning more and more about the role that trauma plays in an individual’s development. When a traumatic experience happens when one is young and the brain is developing, it can have an impact on one’s emotional and physical well-being. When it happens over and over, trauma can become toxic and have long-term effects. We expect the traumatic event to happen to us over and over again, and respond accordingly.

This greater awareness of the impact of trauma on one’s health and wellbeing made me think of what I heard during the shyness discussion groups and learned while doing research for my books.

Many shy people can pinpoint the event that “made them shy.” 

Being singled out by a mean teacher.

Being bullied or embarrassed by classmates.

Feeling neglected, abused, or overly criticized by a parent.

Moving to a new city or starting a new school without a social network.

Feeling lost after ending a relationship.

Having a bad dating experience.

Many shy people can remember what they wore, how they felt, who was involved, how distinctly their lives changed after the traumatic event.

Now, the thing to remember is that feeling anxious and shy or withdrawing from a toxic person or environment is a perfectly logical response to a social event that feels traumatic. It isn’t the only response you can craft, but there is some logic to it. It’s keeping you out of harm’s way.

Shyness doesn’t always feel comfortable, logical, or productive. But for many shy people, there’s a defining event that they say brought on their shyness, an event that was threatening to their social standing, sense of self, or self-esteem. Instead of fighting for recognition or finding a way to respond to similar situations in a more pro-social way, they found that clamming up and withdrawing was the best way to stay safe. Oftentimes, though, the shy experience isn’t merely remaining silent. It involves anxiety, fear, and negative thoughts about oneself. I’ll explore these ideas in upcoming blog posts, but until now, let’s start at the beginning. Why are you shy?

QUESTION: Why are you shy? Can you pinpoint an event that made you shy? Tell me in the comments below.